Rhythms of the Night

The best contraceptive in this whole wide world is.. don’t F.U.C.K.! That’s right. Refrain, my friends. See how long can you last before your neighbour’s bitch got to wear a chasity belt. See how long can you last before you go into full withdrawal syndrome and everything you see looks like a pussy. If you have reached the brink of your insanity, give me a call. I will teach you the second best method. That is the "quick draw" method.

Hah! I hear some sniggers. Diu.. that is an old trick that my grandfather used before condoms was invented. Ahah.. that’s where you are mistaken. This technique is not as simple as it sounds. Why else was the world population growing like nobody’s business during your granparent’s time? They wasn’t taught the right way to draw their gun.

As in everything, practise makes perfect. So, get your gun out everymorning and start practising. Hold your barrel firmly and tightly. Count.. 1..2..2.. draw! 1..2..3.. draw. Do at least 50 reps. every morning until your hands are sore. Place your gun back properly and take a rest. If you practise diligently for 3 months, I guarantee you will be the fastest gun in the region.

When the big day comes, relax. Don’t get nervous. Clean your gun properly an hour beforehand and keep it handy. When she is ready, stick it in. Control your rythm, pace your strokes. Try using the 1..2 1..2 technique. Slowly increase your tempo. Go! Go for it! When you feel it cumming, when the point of no return is inevitable, give it a final thrust, draw out the gun that you have kept handy all this while and shoot in the air. Bang! Bang! 

Guys, I mean the male guys, tell me, do you get turned on by looking at a naked, 6 months pregnant lady? I know for sure that I won’t. If my wife is 6 month’s into her pregnancy and she prances in front of me in the buff, I’ll go to sleep.

But then this is Britney Spears for god’s sake. It’s not everyday that you see Britney Spears naked. Pregnant or otherwise.  We in Malaysia certainly won’t have the ‘eye-luck’ unless you are so free, so curious and so horny that you have your fingers typing goggle.com now. Oh I’m sure the pictures will be all over. After all she is doing it willingly and not as though some papparazis have secretly filmed her or what.

You know, some men are real animals. Even when their wives are in the late stages of pregnancy, still they want to fuck make love. When my wife give birth to my 3rd. kid, the nurse was scolding the patient next to my wife’s bed. "Banyak Miang lu! Sudah mau beranak lagi mau main!". The lady shy shy dare not say anything. Why she got the scolding? It seems when the baby arrived, they was a big patch of sperm  stuck on the baby’s head! I do hear that woman enjoys it more during pregnancy. All her organs are more sensitive to touch. from her nipples to her bai bai. Is it true? Ladies?

One short note before I sign out for today.

Go pay this Nyonya from Penang a visit.  

Till Tommorow! Adios. 

ukay… i admit i have been rather boring lately, so now i will do a repost of another masterpiece of mine which still can be found at my old blog. It’s titled,

Permaisuri Punya Tummy.

Ada satu old permaisuri,
Duduk atas kerusi,
Panggil all her menteri menteri,
“Cepat mali! Capat mali!”

“Yes, oh my permaisuri,”
“Apa sudah jadi?”
“Kenapa panggil kita ke sini?”
“Mau makan nasi kah mau urut kaki?”

“Last night I makan lot of ubi”
“Today angin manyak dalam tummy,”
“Lu orang go back think and see,”
“Dapat idea saja, come and tell me.”

So all the datuk and the menteri,
All think very hardly,
To find one remedy,
Macam mana bolih diubati.

Ada pergi cari dictionary,
Ada pergi minta pada Sami,
Internet pun dia orang pergi cari,
But cannot dapat answer yang pasti.

Last last one smart Punjabi,
Cakap dia Ipoh mali,
Ada minyak yang sakti,
Pakai saja, apa pun jadi.

They all sudah dengar very happy,
At last dan finally,
Ambil minyak pergi jumpa permaisuri,
Tell her tak payah risau lagi.

She sapu the minyak tiap tiap hari,
But her tummy getting bigger daily,
Everyday kuntut tadak berhenti,
Bau busuk seluruh negeri.

“Oi! Menteri dan Datuk Seri,”
“What the fuck sudah jadi?”
“Why can jadi macam ini?”
“Don bluff and quick tell me!”

They went looking for the Punjabi,
Caught him selling minyak in Jalan Imbi,
Brought him to see the permaisuri,
Ask him to explain what happen really.

“Ampun, oh my permaisuri,”
“Macam mana pakai minyak yang saya kasi?”
“Ada kah sapu malam atau pagi?”
“Or mungkin pakai tidak cukupi.”

“Oi! Celaka punya punjabi!”
“Lu ingat saya otak tak berisi”
“Saya satu hari lima kali,”
“Rub manyak manyak on my tummy!”

“Apa?! Mengapa on your tummy?!!”
“Kaderweleh, oh my permaisuri!”
“Minyak itu pakai bila mau puki”
“So that chee bai tak kering bila main nanti.”

Maybe we Malaysians are not as knowledge hungry as Westerners. Perhaps, we have a phobia for the unkown. Or are we just not adventurous. I dunno. I have this ‘not scared to die" attitude towards learning new things. when I bought my first computer way back in the late eighties and Windows just migrated to 95 from 3.1, I trashed it up so bad that the HD needed replacement within 3 months. I practically turned the Operating System upside down just to see how much I knew about it. I realise I knew next to nothing when it had to be reformatted again and again because I made it go haywire and it refused to start.

I have mellowed much through the years though. I had so many hair tearing days that I have given up the idea of becoming a Computer genius. Now I subscribe to the age old saying, ‘if it is not broken, don’t fix it’  But my hunger for anything new is still intact. That’s why you see me forever changing. My old inquisitive mind and my itchy hands never fails to look for infomation that intriques me. Like the ads that many of my blooger friends has on their blog.

Sometimes I see really intriquing ads on my own blog, but i am not allowed to click on my own ads, so i go over to my buddies blog looking for the same ads and I click there just to find out what the ad is all about.I get tons of information through these ads. And it’s free. 

A lot of us has this misconception that these ads are out to sleaze you. Ya it’s true to a certain extent. Some really promise you the sky and in the end all you get are spams. But some are really good serious ads. a lot of Bloggers are also advertising their Blogs throught these ads. They clamed that the returns from the people who comes to their blog wil surpass what they paid for advertising their blogs eventually. So next time you see an ad that rouses your curiosity, click on it, you might be in for a surprise. And I am not whoring for clicks okay. Adsense forbids that.    

Let’s see, on the 8th. of June 2006, my bradder posted an article about a certain ball. It didn’t make a great impact and was quickly forgotten by people.

Then later, on the 14th. of June 2006, our celebrity blogger Mr. Kenny posted another article also about a certain ball. It was very well received, garnering a whopping 163 comments. It was a well written and very detailed article unlike that of my bradder who took a short cut.

Fast forward, yesterday, the 27th. of June 2006, Mr. Kenny received a parcel couriered to him by Adidas in compliments of the article he wrote.  Inside were goodies that no money can buy. And my bradder? I think he was chewing peanuts yesterday.

So my conclusion is this, if you wanna be a blogger, be a famous one. If you want to post pictures about balls, post one with the Adidas Brand Name facing out. Then maybe you will also receive a parcel from Adidas.   

Gawd!! I’m getting fat! On the brink of obesity. When I took my morning bath this morning, I could hardly greet my little brother "Good Morning". Okay, maybe he is a little shy this morning, refusing to stand up and greet me like usual, but in rare circumstances like this, he would at least show his big purple head and give me a consoling nod. This morning, I could hardly see him!  I gave a slight tug, "wakee.. wakee.. it’s morning oredi.." Ahh.. he stood up and showed his shy little head. What a relief, he is still there!

Now I don’t like the idea of not being able to see my litle brother everymorning. So I have 2 choices in front of me. One, loose that flab. Two, lengthen my little brother. Of course it would be ideal for me to achieve both, but given my age, I think the latter would be unachievable. It has stagnated. No more growing power. Besides me old lady has been so used to it that if it grows any longer, she might reject it. So I am practially left with no choice but to loose that fat. Which is easier said than done.

It has been proven scientifically that the metabolism rate of a male above 40 is almost nil. Me? That would be negative nil. So whatever i stuff into my guts will not be burned off no matter how hard I exercise and eventually, it gets converted to fat. Maybe I should starve meself. Then I will have nothing for my body to convert. I will force my body to utilise the existing fat to energise my daily needs. But i have a terrible weakness for food. Especially those cholesterol enchancing kind. I can whack 2 plates fried rice, then order a steak as a side dish and wash it down with a mug of Carlsberg. Oh! Guan Im Mah, have mercy on me! Anybody have some secret recipe that i could use?     

This is an open letter to Mr. Warren Buffet, the second richest man in the whole wide world.

Dear Mr. Buffet,

I hear you are going to give away 85% of your total wealth which by my rough calculation would be about US 37 billion, to charity. What a generous man you truly are. I am sure this amount will certainly make this world a better place to live in. 

In the process of giving away those billions, I hope you can consider me as one of the recipients. I am THE charitable cause in Malaysia. I am in dire need of funds to allow me to blog everyday witout having to worry  about food on the table. I am in need of funds to pay off my Proton Iswara which I have not paid for 3 months and the Finance Company has threatened to repocessed my car. I am also in default with my house mortgage. Pretty soon they are going to auction off my house. So you see, I am indeed a very needy cause.

I am not a greedy person. Just a paltry, miserable US 1 million will see to all my needs. By ratio of what you are giving away, i think that would be about 100,000,000 to 1. So you see, I am not a very demanding sort of guy. I know what self satisfaction is. I only take what I need. Nothing more.

I also know what gratification is. We chinese have a sying that goes, "If you give me one foot, I will repay with a yard" So, if you will be so generous to give me that million I promise I will:

• Blog about you every two weeks for the rest of my blogging days.
• Hang your picture along side that of my ancestors and respect you like as I would respect them.
• Whenever I having my glass of favourite brew, I will toast to your health first.
• Say a prayer in your name every morning when I lit up the joss stick to pray to my dead ancestors

So what do you think Mr. Buffet? If you have any questions that you would like me to answer before making your decision, please feel free to e-mail me. I will try my level best to have them answered to your full satisfaction.

I look forward to your favourable reply in the soonest time possible.

Ah Pek 

I am a condom salesman today! Don’t drop your jaws yet.  Every healthy educated male needs a condom. I keep 3 in my wallet in case anything unexpected comes up. It is for self defence. Ladies too should keep some in their handbags Who knows what will happen after a few rounds right?

Anyway, this site is owned by one of my classmate. He just started it, so I thought I’ll do him a favour and let all you horny guys and gals know. I know lots of you are shy to go and buy these in the supermarkets or pharmacies, so this is the place to go. Prices are all quoted in Malaysian Ringgit and you can choose to pay in any method you wish. I won’t say more. Just go and see for yourself.